No apologies

I have started working on this post and stopped several times, unsure of whether or not to post it; in fear of “hurting someone’s feelings” or “rubbing someone the wrong way”.  Earlier today, I was thinking about “stuff” going on in this world in reaction to some strange news I heard.  Before I knew it, I was crying because I know of something that gives so much hope, so much love, so much joy in this dark, cold world and even if not one person reads this and changes their mind or opens their hearts - I feel like I HAVE TO SHARE about the source of all that hope and love. I thought about how so many of you are hurting and are just in search of something...............Something that no material possession can fill, no relationship can fill, no level of success can fill. So I just want to tell you about my Savior today. No pictures of my boys or my latest craft project. No apologies. We live in a fallen world. Adam and Eve chose to sin in the beginning and since then the world is full of sin. It's full of hurt and pain and people often question "why"? God never promised a perfect life. But HE did promise to never leave or forsake us. The payment for our sin is death. That means a lifetime in hell. But God loves us so much. He gave a ransom for our sin. He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross as a sacrifice. Jesus took on the sin of the world - past, present and future - and died. But he rose again. He is alive! John 14:6 "Jesus says "I am the way, the truth and the life - no one comes to the Father but through me". Romans 10:9,10 "That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." All you have to do to be saved and spend eternity in heaven - is to confess that you know you are a sinner and accept Christ as your savior! Believe in Him and begin a relationship with Him. As a Christian - you are a new creation. You will have joy that can not be explained. A peace that passes all understanding. You can not work your way into heaven. The Bible says even our BEST works are like filthy rags in God's eyes. Thankfully - Ephesians 2:8-9 says "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." That's the best news ever - it's God's AMAZING grace that saves us. It's NOTHING we can do. Isn't that freeing? I just want you to know the love that God has for you. I want you to know how great a life in Christ can be! I accepted Christ at a young age and I have never doubted my salvation. There have been many days and years where I was not as close to God. But He never left me. The only way I can know Him and hear Him and grow closer is to spend time talking to Him in prayer and reading the Bible. How do I know that all this is real? Because I have felt God in my life. I have seen Him at work. I can't explain the hope that I have in Him. I could not have made it through many things I have been through without trusting that His word is true. I believe the Bible is the inherent word of God. Every word is true. It's all about faith. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1). Without faith - it is impossible to please God. (Hebrews 11:6) I didn't write this before because I just wanted to write down how to KNOW Christ - but yes - once you are saved - it is not really enough to just believe in Him. Even Satan believes in Jesus. You must serve Him and strive to have a relationship. We don't do "works" to earn our way into heaven but we DO serve and try to follow Him in all we do because we love Him and want to Honor the One who saved us. James 2:20 says "Faith without works is dead". I share all of this because I deeply care about each of you who comes here to check in on my life. I felt very strongly that I needed to share this with you today and God just laid it on my heart in a very clear way that I HAD to share it. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift. 2 Corinthians 9:15

There's this guy...

I love this man.
I talk about my kids and my mom and my hobbies on here all the time, but I really love, admire, and respect this guy.

He knows my heart so well.
I anxiously await the few hours I get with him each evening and my heart sinks when 8:30 p rolls around and he has to leave for work...

When I was little I dreamed of my husband or having one.
I thought a husband was someone who kissed you when you got home from work
or held your hand in the car

I never knew your husband was someone you leaned on, prayed with and talked to ... about everything.

Many times we have been able to sit and talk just the two of us. I’ve told him about my dreams, how much my heart has changed the past few years and he has listened and encouraged each little piece I shared. For some reason I found myself thinking about those special times this afternoon.

He is the biggest gift of a person I have received in my whole life. With him I have traveled, explored, and done things I did not think I could do. With him I have been given the two most precious gifts God could give.

He works more hours than most at a pretty thankless job, Yet he still comes home with a smile on his face ready to play and spend time with us.  In fact, the day this picture was taken was the end to a rough weekend, as if you couldn't tell by his look!  He worked Thursday night.  Slept from 7a-1p on Friday, worked Friday night.  He NEVER went to bed Saturday morning when he got off because he was needed at the baseball fields and went straight there as soon as he got home and changed clothes.  He got home from the fields around 11:30a and slept until 1:30p.  We had all-star practice from 2:00p-4:00p, took his mom to dinner for mothers day, and also had to make a trip to Conroe.  On the way home, our friend Jeremy called and requested his help moving.  So what did Heath do?  Go home and go to bed?  Of course not-- he went to Lovelady, where he stayed until they were done around midnight.   We went to church on Sunday, then to my grandmas for lunch which is where this picture was taken.  He was pretty worn out at that point.   AFter we left my grandma's house, we went back to Lovelady to help Jeremy finish moving and didn't make it home till after 11. He constantly devotes almost all of his spare time to others- the baseball team, his friends (who sometimes take him for granted), his family. And, he NEVER rarely complains. His heart is truly the heart of a giver. He always puts out more than he takes back and surrenders his wants and needs so that others can benefit. He has made so many sacrifices for the boys, and me.

I have learned so much about the character of a person from him and aspire to have the charisma he possesses someday.

I don't tell him I love and respect him enough.
So here it is Honey, I love you.

this is my mom

This is my Mom. She gave birth to me 28 years, two months and twenty-seven days ago. She was my mommy, and a dang good one, until the devil called alcoholism robbed that from us. When I was around 8, she and my dad divorced. Her, my brother (who was 6 months old at the time) and I moved in with her parents. My grandparents eventually became our sole caregivers. She was in and out of course, but mostly out. She wasn’t there when I made junior high cheerleader. She wasn’t there when I learned to drive or got my first car. She wasn’t around to hound my first boyfriend. She never took me shopping for a prom dress, or taught me how to fix my hair. She didn’t walk across the football field with me on Senior Night or help me get dressed for either prom I attended. She wasn’t there snapping pictures when I made prom queen, didn’t stand on the sidelines as I was escorted across the football field on homecoming night, and never once cheered me on as I served the volleyball over the net.  She was not my biggest fan as I ran for FFA officer.  She never attended an National Honor Society banquet, volleyball game, or, you’ve got it- a graduation.  She wasn't with me when I picked what college I would attend.  She never showed up for my wedding, or came to a baby shower.  I never got to sit in church with my mom or hear her pray.  She didn’t contact me once while I was pregnant with Cason. That hurt- probably more than anything...

There are a lot of things she didn’t do. I am eternally thankful that I did have someone there to do the things that she didn’t- two someone’s actually; my grandparents. But, it wasn’t the same. I wanted my mom. I had a friend who’s Mom got on her nerves SO badly because she was constantly at the school. She never missed a game, ceremony, dance, or recital. She took pictures the first time Heather went on a date, taught her everything about cooking and sewing and fashion… and the normal mother-daughter stuff. But Heather was so unappreciative and sometimes mean to her. I can specifically remember going prom dress shopping with them because Heather picked out EIGHT dresses that she LOVED. After a day (and I mean ALL day) at the Woodlands Mall, she still couldn’t decide. You know what her mom did? She bought all eight dresses and took them home and let her have a whole week to make her decision before taking seven of them back. She was constantly in her business, wanting to go places with her and do things for her. And I was so jealous; I wanted that kind of mom.

I won’t drag you through the heartache and details of the last decade-or-so. She made lot of mistakes. I am not perfect, I maybe I could have reacted better. But, the past is the past. I’ve always said that the one thing my mother did do for me was to show me how not to be a good mom and how to make bad decisions. I have observed and learned so much from her bad decisions.

Alas, here we are:  we’ve connected again. I called her a couple months ago after no contact for almost three years, after hearing she was pretty sick.

You see, this is my Mom. The one who birthed me nearly 30 years ago… who made an attempt at raising me; but failed. The same Mom who loves me and regrets so many of the decisions she made in the last thirty years. So, so many. This is the woman who’s absence tortured me for so many years; the one whom I laid awake night after night crying over and wondering WHY. She has loved, and lost. She is a very complex person with pretty deep issues imbedded into her. There’s a lot that I don’t know about her. But now that I am an adult, I do know this: she really did do the best with what she had. Things didn’t turn out the way she planned (ever been there?). She loves me. I am her daughter. I am blessed with so many of her traits: creativity, writing, and a heart for caring for others. I am also blessed in that I know exactly what I will never do to my kids. I will never make them feel unwanted, or alone, or like they don’t matter. She taught me what that feels like and I will never do anything to make my kids experience those feelings.

This is my Mom. She is dying. She has what is called invasive infiltrated ductile carcinoma. It began in her breast (in the ducts that produce milk) and has metastasized to one of her lungs, spine, pelvic bones and rib cage. Since it began in the breast, the cells are still considered breast cancer cells and will be treated as such, even though they are located in other places too. The cancer in the bone/lung is called secondary bone/lung cancer since those areas weren’t where the cancer actually originated. She took one round of chemo in January but had a bad reaction to it. Her heart stopped beating during the treatment and she flat-lined. The muscle in her heart that pumps blood to her brain is not firing electrical currents correctly, which is causing some memory loss and neurological problems. She has difficulty in opening doors, grasping things firmly, etc. This is also caused from the tumors in her spine pressing on certain nerves. She also has severe scoliosis (crooked spine), which causes nerve problems as well. Recently, she has begun to have terrible headaches and pressure in her right ear. The spinal tumors and scoliosis are causing this by pressing on nerves. The intravenous medicine also made her break out in sores all over her body. They are about the size of half-dollars and look like large burns on her skin. It has almost healed but there is a lot of scarring, almost like really big chicken pox scars. She has lost some of her hair, but once she is further into treatment, she will probably lose it all. Her doctor has a treatment plan that involves taking some chemotherapy orally instead of intravenously. When taken intravenously, there are several drugs mixed together (a cocktail) and he thinks this is what affected her heart. Orally, only one drug is taken at a time in this case. He said they will take baby steps and see how she reacts and responds to each treatment and then determine if other drugs can be added in slowly. She can take the medicine at home, under a very strict regimen (anti nausea medicine, eat 30 mins later, take chemo pill 30 mins after that). She has to take the medicine at the same exact same time every day. She also has to remain in an upright position for an hour after taking it and she cannot touch the pill with her bare skin; gloves have to be worn anytime the pill is handled due to the radiation it contains. If it gets on the skin it causes some sort of cell mutation. She will see her dr. every two weeks unless she has problems. I am no medical expert, and neither is she. I am just repeating what she told me. If she doesn’t respond to the oral medication, the dr. wants to put a port in her chest with a central line and pump. Typically, this type of cancer could be treated with surgery and or radiation but hers is widespread, and the tumors are multiple and small, so neither of these is an option. The dr. did not give her a prognosis as far as a length of time she has left, as each case is different and several factors (tumor size, growth rate, overall health, etc.) have to be taken into account. There is NO cure; this will kill her. We just don’t know how long it will take. Her overall health is horrible; she’s smoked all of her adult life and never taken care of herself. She also has several other underlying conditions to manage, so really the outlook isn’t great. She seems to be handling things ok. Other than the bone pain and headaches, the pain isn’t too bad on her yet. She mostly is extremely fatigued and sometimes confused about things. Genetically speaking, this type of cancer is the most common and most treatable amongst women. It is (usually) very easily detected in someone that is pro-active with their health care. (She is not; she hadn’t been to the doctor in years actually. If this had been caught earlier, before it metastasized, it would be much easier to manage and probably cure. She has also never been a really healthy person – always had some sort of issue, even before alcoholism and drug use came into her life.). It is also extremely rare to find this type of cancer in women who have breastfed their babies, even if the hereditary gene is passed down.

Regardless of everything that my Mom put me through, in the same way that I would never want my kids to know those feelings- I don't want her to know those feelings either.  I don't care that she wasn't there to be strong when I was weak; I will be strong for her when she is weak.  Sure, she wasn't there to hold on when I was ready to let go, but I will be there to hold on to her.  There were times when I felt lost and scared to death because she wasn't there.  I want her to know that when she is lost and scared to death, I am right here.  So many times I needed my mom because I felt like I couldn't take another step... when she feels this way, I'll be there to take the next step for her.  I will take her had; for togther we can do this.  I am going to love her through it whether she deserves it or not; she is my Mom. And, when this road gets too long- I'll be the rock she leans on.


 

just 'cause

I've been trying to post this for like three days! Blogger has been boogered up. Anyway, here you go- have a great weekend!


I’m singing The Circle of Life in my head right now. I just noticed I’m swaying in my chair a bit too. I have this weird thing where I play music in my head all day and adjust the song for whatever is going on at the moment. When I went by CVS it was “In the living years”, when I was doing the dishes it was Dolly Parton’s “workin’ 9-5”; on the rare chance I go for a run, it’s often Beyonce’s “Run the World” Yes, I am aware that this would normally land me a psych evaluation.



Mr. Cason (more on that nickname later) is keeping me ever busy with his two year old self - officially a toddler. Toddler seems too quaint a term for the rocket boosting speed racer that is my son. Last night we were in the kitchen and I sneezed, during which he emptied every piece of silverware out of the drawer. While I am in the shower he enjoys purging my closet of shoes and belts. His sense of irony shines through every time he climbs on top of the dining room table and sarcastically bellows ‘gee dow’ (that’s Get Down) with a hearty laugh. I have purchased 14 toothbrushes (teethbrushes?) in the last two months, just cause he likes to put them in the potty. If CPS were to show up at my door I’d have a hard time explaining the 73 bruises he acquires daily. He fancies himself a large help to mommy’s laundry work by dutifully emptying every drawer into which I have just placed neatly folded clothes. He enjoys singing and preaching enthusiastically from the bedside table, after having cleared it of any decoration mommy thought would look nice there. He patriotically pursues his right to climb the recliner and perch atop the back of the couch. If he’s not outside you’d better have a damn good reason why not. More often than not he’s directly air-lifted into the bath. How much messier could a boy get, anyway. But even with the mud, blood, bruises, boogers and peanut butter…he is SO sweet. Especially when he says,” love you too much, momma bird”

Lucas has a new found confidence in himself, which is quite awesome. For the longest he was so shy, almost painfully shy. He has grown up so much this year. I am so proud to be his momma. He is such a good kid! He has a great sense of humor and is quite the athlete! His intelligence and imagination amaze me every single day. He is just smart as a whip and the wittiest little six year old I know. Not much gets past him and you had better not tell him something and forget- ‘cause he will remind you in a hurry. He can listen to a song once and sing it back to you nearly word for word after that. He comes up with some of the funniest, craziest, neatest ideas. I can’t wait to see what he becomes as he grows up. He loves Jesus and isn’t afraid to tell whoever he meets about that love. He is still a little boy though and he aggravates the mess out of his little brother about 85% of the time. They fight and argue and hit and make messes with the best of them. So much so, my face stays in a shocked expression for a good portion of the day.

 I can’t say my house is always clean or that if you stop by for a visit you won’t sit on molded strawberries rescued from the garbage or stumble upon yet another toothbrush floating helplessly in the toilet. You may even leave feeling a bit…sticky. But I find all of this to be my version of heaven. My sweet little guys are 100% heart, they love and laugh and love some more. Other than when I’m whoopin’ their butts for one thing or another, they think most anything I say is raucously funny, and squeeze extra tight when they give hugs. Lucas sometimes acts like he is too old to snuggle and give sugars but every now and then, I catch him in a tender moment and he lets me crawl up beside him in his bed. Cason, on the other hand loves to snuggle as close as he can (which is why I’ve usually wake up with feet in my ears, or an elbow in my ribcage) and his constant daredevil smile is heart melting. Life.is.good.

A simple request../

Good morning friends. I really didn’t plan on going so long in between posts, and honestly I have written three posts this week, published one and then un-published it...no words I can say seem to measure up so I just come to with honesty and a broken heart. Below are some prayer requests and I ask you to really pray for these things because they are all so very dear to my heart. My Mom is very, very sick. That’s all I can really bring myself to say at this point.  Please pray for her. ******************** Second, my brother-in-law (who passed away in 2004)’s wife (who is remarried with four little girls) lost her 5th baby this week – a boy named Michael Wyatt.  While the relationship between her and our family is strained (we won’t go into that), my heart is breaking for her. Also, there’s a young momma, my age, who is a close friend of a close friend.  Her baby boy Bryce was born 18 months ago with Trysomy 13.  His doctors were not certain he would even live for a week.  He stopped breathing and went to be with Jesus on Tuesday afternoon.  His family needs your prayers.   ********************* And last and the heaviest on my heart; our very dear friends baby Bryson has been admitted back into the hospital after being life flighted last night.  Bryson was born last August with a severely abnormal gene mutation in his lungs.  He was in the hospital a solid six months before he was able to go home on oxygen with a tracheotomy.  He has two older brothers, Blayne and Mason, who are as close to being my own kids as you could get.  His Mommy and Daddy are just exhausted and scared for their baby.  They need to be lifted up. I dont really know what else to say, but thank you in advance for your prayers. I dont know all who read here, but I do know from the ones of you that have reached out that there are a lot of strong Christian women that visit here and more now than ever my family (I include close friends as part of my family) could really use your prayers.  After getting the news of these sick babies, and the situation with my mom,  I have just been a mess. This morning I spent a lot of time reading my bible and just looking for peace in God's word and I was encouraged by these two verses: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13 "Be joyful always, pray contiually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 2Thes 5 16-18 I know it was God's perfect plan to take these babies before we were ready and we just have to trust in that and the fact that he is in control and knows best.  I know He also has a perfect plan for Bryson. Bryson has already, in his short 9 months, been such an enormous blessing and has touched so many lives!  God is using that little boy! Those sweet babies that have left this Earth have left such a legacy already. They have taught me so much about the gift of life and to appreciate my babies so much more than before. That is all I have to say. I will be back later, maybe next week. Right now I just wanted to get that out there mostly so these families could be lifted up. There is strength in numbers. I am so thankful to get to be their mom and be blessed by their presence. I hope everyone is having a great week and has a wonderful weekend.

Second guessing...

I feel like God has really given me encouragement as a mom lately. I'm not one of those moms that feels tied to a timeline with my kids. I just don't feel like I need to do everything "by the book" and yet - it's hard when you are with friends or read blogs or Facebook or twitter to not get worried if your kids aren't doing something other kids their age should be doing. It's hard not to second guess yourself as a mom and think, "Am I doing it all wrong?"

I've gotten a new perspective in the last few months that has helped me so much. I've just been learning how quickly time goes and how the little molehills I keep making mountains out of usually end up being really small.


I can think of so many examples that just worried me to death while we were there and now seem like so long ago. I thought Cason would NEVER sleep through the night. And now he is sleeping so much I can't get him up some mornings (especially on the weekend!). You could have never told me that when he was younger! 


Lucas was so attached to his sippy cup that I thought he would never want to get rid of it. And some of y'all harassed me to death about it. But I look back now and he was barely 2 when we got rid of it and just a baby. And he has great teeth. So I'm not going to sit around worrying about when to take it from Cason- we will do it and he won't go to preschool or kindergarten, or high school graduation with it.

I'm so worried right now about Cason being 100% potty trained by August in time for preschool. I'm working on it every day with him and and he is doing so good with it, but still has accidents so I just keep wondering "what if"? But I've been trying to realize this week that when he is 6 - we will look back and think - "that wasn't a big deal - it all worked out".

I think that's not just something God is working on in my mothering but something he's been weaving as a theme through my life. I spent days, months, and years crying and stressing and wondering about so many things in my life.   I spent day after day after day crying and PLEADING with him to PLEASE make everything work out for the best. And He did. He has ALWAYS provided. We have worried through financial things and through job changes and family and friend issues. But God always provides. It's not always the way we would have done it in our human ways or the way we might have imagined - but He is always there. Some of the things that caused me to lay awake at night scared to death have come and gone and Jesus pulled me through.

There are days that I am gripped with fear for our future. What if Heath changes jobs and is miserable or loses his job? What if one of us gets sick? What if something happens to the boys? But the one thing I always come back to is God has been with us through every event in our life - big or small and He will be there again. And we will look back one day and those mountains we thought we could never climb will just be little dots on our journey in life.

I'm thankful for the perspective of being at the end of one road to look back and see how I was carried to give me the strength to know I can go down the next road - whatever may lie ahead.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear,

Psalm 46:1-2

 

Just a peek...

Well, I've really outdone myself this time... almost TWO months without a post! What was I thinking, you ask? I haven't had much extra time to do ... well, anything! ha. Here are a few pics from Easter weekend to satisfy your curiosity until I can get a longer, more formal post together. 

Easter weekend - 2012

My sweet boys...

 Morgan Rue

 After Children's Church we hunted roly poly's ...

 Macie Rue and Mollie Rue

 I'm not sure how Jeremy feels about our Jackson boys and his LaRue girls...

 We hunted a few eggs, too!