A Mother's Love for Her First-Born

I have given birth to two children in the last five years. I love both of them in very different ways. I love them both with a fierce protection. If I think about it too long and too hard, I would collapse from the intensity of the emotions that I feel for them. As my first born is entering his "big-kid" phase, I feel as if I am beginning this parenting thing all over again.



In so many ways, your first born is the guinea pig. They get all of it...your time, your attention, your worry, your doting. Lucas has multiple scrapbooks I've made for him...I havent even begun Cason's and he is nearly 1!

I was so immature when I had him, and in many ways I grew up with him. My parenting style was anything but consistent when he was little. He has learned with me as I have learned. I've made many mistakes (haven't we all?), but he is turning out to be a pretty good kid. ;)

How is it that the little boy who could not leave my side is about to start Kindergarten? The little boy who was obsessed with Diego and the Wonder Pets is now obsessed with baseball and wrestling, and has a crush on Carrie Underwood? In so many ways, he is still a little boy, and yet, I see tiny glimpses of the man he is turning into. I feel like I am treading on thin ice some days. Do I push him harder? Do I let him fall and learn on his own? Someone recently told me it was time to start letting him go a little, and I thought... Now? No, now is the time for guidance. Now is the time to be his cheerleader. Now is the time to let him know that he has to work hard for his character, work hard for integrity, work hard for the grades, work hard if he wants to be grand.


I've learned to set the standards high. If the standards are low, that is what he will deliver. If the standards are high, than he will try. And in the end, that is what I really want from him. Not perfection, but that he tried his hardest.

There will be plenty of time for letting go later.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.


I am thankful that I have this child in my life...and pray for daily guidance in the ways to rear him.

Huntsville, Texas photographer

Honesty

A couple of weeks ago, someone sent me a message, asking on tips of how I stay so organized and together and dressed cute with two children. I seriously wanted to lay on the floor and laugh like a hyena for about an hour.

Because the truth is? I have never in my life been so disorganized, messy, frazzled, absent minded, and exhausted as since I became a mother. I don't feel like I have anything together. I spend a lot of days wondering if other mothers of small children feel like me or if they are as together and neat and organized as they seem?

I have always been a neat freak and I still try to keep my house clean but the truth is - with a pre-schooler who is constantly making messes, climbing on furniture or running from room to room – and a 9 month old that is following in big brothers footsteps, I can't do anything during my time at home but keep up with them. So the only time I can clean is nap time on the weekends, or after they go to bed. And partly because I work full time and partly because taking care of two active boys is exhausting - I have to be honest and say even though I make really ambitious lists every day of things I want to accomplish - I find myself most days during their sleep hours locking myself in the bathroom, instead of mopping the floors and doing laundry. I often wonder how four people can make SO much laundry and why does it always seem to be so piled up. I can't imagine how families of 6 or 8 do it!

Years ago I pictured my life as a mom and I imagined having the cleanest house ever and having home cooked four course meals every night and I would be so relaxed. Life now is not as I pictured. I never knew it would be so hard. I never knew I would be lucky to get anything cooked at night because it's hard to do anything with too much effort when you have to keep dragging your child out of dumpster diving in your trash or putting their toys in the dog's water bowl or somehow sneaking their bike up the stairs and into the shower without your knowing it… (still trying to figure that one out). I never dreamed I would spend a lot of weekends in sweats with no make-up just wondering when I might take a shower. I never dreamed I would lose just about everything I own and not know if I was coming or going most days because I was so tired. Is it just me or does anyone else feel this way?


I just wonder if all of you out there always have clean houses and laundry folded? Do you always have things organized or do you sit in the pediatrician’s office and say things like "I'm not sure what night it was he had fever or when he actually sprained his ankle because I haven't had a full night of sleep in nine months and I'm too tired to think?" Do you get sweaty and frazzled just trying to grocery shop with your kids? Or sitting in a waiting room? I'm a nervous wreck trying to keep them quiet and well behaved and always wondering what people are thinking of my skills as a mother.

I do a terrible job of making my husband feel special, keeping up with all my friends on a regular basis, remembering family birthdays, and you probably know I'm especially bad at keeping up with answering emails. Most nights I will open up my inbox and sigh and I want to write back and I'm just too exhausted to think. I always imagined me having amazing long quiet times with God in all my free time and that is one thing I have let slide that I regret and try to work on daily.

I'm not saying any of this to complain because I love my life. But I SURE don't have it together and I never want to make anyone think I do. We were watching a video from Deeper Still recently and Priscilla Shirer was sharing some things about being the mother of small children and I just sat and wept because I felt so much better to know if this Godly woman was saying sometimes she just counted down the hours until bedtime - maybe I was a normal mom. Maybe if other mothers feel stressed and disorganized and don't have perfect children and aren't perfect themselves - maybe we are all in this club together. I may not be Mrs. Cleaver - but I bet she wasn't always perfect either under those pearls and aprons. I bet she had meltdowns and lost her car keys (and would have lost her cell phone if she had one) and lost her temper with the Beaver at times too. I bet she sometimes even yelled at Ward when he got home because if he didn't help with Wally and the Beav for just a few minutes she was going to lose her mind.

The pictures that I e-mail and share are definitely edited versions! I rarely include the ones in which Cason is blood red, screaming his head off or the ones of Lucas rolling his eyes, or the ones of me with the hair I rolled out of bed with, no makeup and sporting my ‘fat’ pants. But that is how I look a lot of days. And that's okay. Because I wouldn't trade my imperfect life for a perfect one any day!