when you are a mother...

Chances are if you ARE a mother, you are internally agreeing with the sentiment of my title. If you aren’t, you are undoubtedly rolling your eyes and thinking to yourself, “Seriously? Did she really have to go there? So cliché. So condescending. “ I know. I was you not too long ago, thinking the same thing every time anyone uttered those words in my presence. I mean, what on earth about being a mother automatically makes you so insightful? What is it about the task of motherhood, the diaper changes, the swaddling, the stench of crusted baby puke on your shoulder that no longer phases you (sometimes not even enough to wash the shirt before wearing it again) that makes YOU think you know and understand something the rest of the population does not? I vowed to never utter those words when I became a mother. Well, you know what? Consider that vow broken.
When you are a mother, you will understand…
That those annoying shoes toddlers wear that squeak when they walk actually serve a purpose. They are like the poor mom’s LoJack.
That, try as you might, chances are your child will end up falling in love with one of the many obnoxious versions of Elmo. Turns out, he’s popular and practically has his very own aisle in every toy department for a reason.
That sometimes the only way to clean a pacifier your child just dropped in the parking lot and is screaming for is to put it on your own mouth and suck on it for a few seconds.
That your baby’s poop is just not THAT gross to you, and you actually don’t freak out and run to the nearest bottle of sanitizer and bleach when you get a little on you. In fact, sometimes you don’t notice it at all, which makes it a little awkward when you find a spot of it on your sleeve at the grocery store two hours later. (This, however, does not make other baby’s poop less gross to you. Poop from children other than your own is still disgusting.)
How you can laugh at someone peeing in your face.
How you can focus so hard on the tiny up and down movements of your baby’s chest while he’s sleeping, and then, when you are convinced he’s not breathing, scream his name while jerking him up from his bed and rushing to the bathroom to splash water on his face. When he wakes, you are pretty sure he has perfected the “go to hell” look at a very early age.
Why, for a few months at least, when you go out to dinner with the little one in tow (if you are even brave enough to do so) you are limited to the portion of the menu that includes a side of mashed potatoes.
How people become “those parents” you despised as a waitress in college when you take a baby starting finger foods to a restaurant. Sometimes, getting him out of the restaurant before the bedtime meltdown ensues takes precedence over cleaning up the hundreds of Puffs left below his highchair.
How easy it is to dread shopping for clothes for yourself when shopping for baby clothes is so much more fun. They are cheaper, cuter, and you don’t have to worry about finding the right style to hide that troublesome midsection.
How, no matter how little sleep you had the night before or how many times you had to make the trek to the nursery to replace a pacifier, tighten the swaddle, feed the baby or change a diaper, it is impossible to not be a morning person when your baby greets you every day with a smile that makes your heart melt.
Yes, it’s true you understand a lot more when you become a mom (or, in general, a parent). You understand why all those mothers you used to think were crazy did the things they did (most of the time, sometimes there really are just crazy people out there). You will do things that at the end of the day you can only laugh at, sigh to yourself, and acknowledge out loud, “I am SO that mom”