The Good news is that my eyelashes are not sore at all...

 

CLEARLY SOME FITNESS-MINDED ALIENS SEIZED CONTROL OF MY MIND. I have begun the 30-Day Shred.

OH MY MERCIFUL HEAVENS.

 I realized today that I had committed to a 30 Day challenge. I cannot overstate the importance of this discovery because HELLO, ACCOUNTABILITY, NICE TO SEE YOU. I also realized on Saturday that I had been planning to set aside some time to “shred” this afternoon, but I was sort of blase’ about it because the workout only lasts 20 minutes, and how hard could that be, right? I mean, I can do all sorts of things for 20 minutes: I can lift the fried chicken off of my plate and put it into my mouth, I can repeatedly mash the buttons on the TV remote, and I can also send and receive countless text messages while continually sipping an ice cold Coke.

You may be picking up on why the aliens seized control of my mind and convinced me to "sign up" for the challenge in the first place.

So Saturday afternoon, when there was not another living soul in the house, I turned on the DVD and got ready to feel the burn. I even wore my brand new lavender leotard and hot pink leg warmers.

Oh, I kid because there was never a time when I really did own a lavender leotard and hot pink leg warmers.

I will spare you all the details of my initial foray into shredding, but suffice to say that within the first five minutes of the workout I was thinking Not Nice Things about Jillian and her perky fitness compadres. It didn’t help that Anita – who was quickly becoming my new BFF since she was in charge of showing us the “modified” moves, aka The Moves For Those Of You Whose Primary Form Of Exercise Has Been Pointing Your Toes While Typing – had abs so defined that I thought at first they must surely be the creation of some subtle airbrushing, only to realize that OH, those abs are totally real, and MY WORD, they are spectacular.

However, I moved past my bitterness, soldiered through the workout (does it tell you something that I was actually relieved when it was time for the ab segments because that meant I got to LIE ON THE FLOOR?), and y’all, when those twenty minutes were over, my leg muscles were so exhausted that my very first thought was I’ll never walk normally again.

Sure enough, I spent the next forty-five minutes trying to figure out how I was going to walk without looking like some straight-from-the-boondocks contestant on America’s Next Top Model who is trying to impress Tyra with what she thinks is a fierce runway walk. The only way I could manage to keep my knees from locking up was to lift my the tops of my legs to a forty-five degree angle with my waist, then sort of kick out my leg until my foot hit the floor, and later, when I was laughing until I cried about The Day Jillian Nearly Killed Us, I described my new walk as something along the lines of what you’d expect from a demented clydesdale. In other words: it’s very sexy and now.

So Jillian and I have spent time together each night since then.  And tonight Jillian and I will meet again, and I don’t really know what to expect since I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to move my legs at all. However, I have decided that if I am not in fact mobile, then I will track down some sort of beige marker and spend my twenty minutes watching Jillian tell me to WORK HARDER and PUNCH IT OUT while I draw ab muscles on my stomach in an attempt to replicate Anita’s rockin’ six-pack.

Certainly I am climbing to new heights of fitness!

Or at least I will be.

Just as soon as I can, you know, stand up.